I recently learned my roommate has pruned her Facebook friends down to a select group who only post things that please her. She is a staunch liberal and told me she never sees Tea Party, NRA, or gay bashing posts.

I, on the other hand, have a much more diverse crowd on my Facebook. I don’t delete anyone because I need to be entertained when eating cold leftovers at lunch. And while sitting in class. And before bed at night.

People post some weird self-disclosures on Facebook. Last week I found out my neighbor, who has only been married a year, is getting a divorce because she cheated on her husband with his best friend. I’m actually fairly confident her husband posted the status, but my, it was juicy. I screenshotted that and sent it to my besties.

Consequently, today I saw the same stock post I see about every other week on my newsfeed. I’ve pasted it below with my commentary because I don’t know how else to ask you to read it. I tried to provide a chaser.

For all my friends, whether close or casual, just because. Just because?? This is one of the longest posts I will ever make, and one of the most real too. For real, I cannot believe I’ve gotten to the second line. Everyone will go through some hard times at some point. Life isn't easy. Neither is reading this. Just something to think about. If you want me to think about it, you might want to insert a paragraph break here. Did you know the people that are the strongest are usually the most sensitive? Okay… Did you know the people who exhibit the most kindness are the first to get mistreated? Citation? Did you know the ones who take care of others all the time are usually the ones who need it the most? No, I didn’t know that. Did you know the three hardest things to say are I love you, I'm sorry, and help me? You should say, “I’m sorry,” for posting this. Sometimes just because a person looks happy, you have to look past their smile to see how much pain they may be in. Because I’m reading this. To all my friends who are going through some issues right now--let's start an intentional avalanche. We all need positive intentions right now. If I don't see your name, I'll understand. You’ll understand I’m not a basic *ss b*tch. May I ask my friends wherever you might be, to kindly copy and paste this status for one hour – one hour? What, am I supposed to make my status self-delete? - to give a moment of support to all of those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of any kind and just needs to know that someone cares. Do it for all of us, for nobody is immune. I mean, I have some antibodies… I hope to see this on the walls of all my friends just for moral support. I’m using one of those “hardest things to say” and saying, “I’m sorry; I’m not posting this crap.” I know some will!!! Three exclamation points; damn, it’s easy to get to you. I did it for a friend and you can too. But I won’t. You have to copy and paste this one, NO SHARING... Can you explain why “no sharing”? That’s, like, the golden rule. I will leave it in the comments so it is easier for you to copy and paste. Why is that easier?! Now I have to click “View comments.”

I’m really sorry you had to just read that. Like, seriously. The moment I see that opening line, I read, “For all my friends, whether close or…BLAH BLAH BLAH. You are the most boring, clichéd fool in this universe. Even in parallel universes. Who is actually helped by this canned, regurgitated, refried, elementary school guidance counselor, faux Band Aid stupidity?”

I could have tried to rewrite that post to be a joke, but I really don’t think I could write anything more overwrought and trite than the original. But wait - maybe I can.

And why the fork do these statuses get likes? Or copied and pasted, Gabriel forbid you share it? The person whose timeline I pulled this from already had eleven likes on this cliché that even Stephenie Meyer couldn’t concoct.

So on my lunch break, I drafted a satirical response:

For all my friends, whether close or with benefits, just because. This is one of the sappiest posts I will ever make and one of the most real too. Everyone will read through some stupid statuses at some point. Facebook isn't easy. Just something to think about. Did you know the people that write the most self-disclosing statuses are usually the least intelligent? Did you know the people who showcase their beach body are the first to post a photo with a donut? Did you know the ones who delete their statuses when they don’t get likes are the ones who need likes the most? Did you know the twelve easiest words to write on Facebook are “If you’re reading this, I didn’t delete you from my friends list”? Sometimes just because a person posts happy pictures, you have to look past their timeline to see the “Widowed” relationship status they may be in. To all my friends who are scrolling through some clichéd notices right now--let's start an intentional meteorite shower. We all need original content right now. If I don't see your name, I'll understand. May I ask my Facebook acquaintances, whoever you might be, to kindly C&P this status for one decade to give a moment of support to all of those who have Instagram problems, Twitter struggles, Pinterest issues, FOMO of any kind and just needs to know that someone will poke them? Do it for all of us, for nobody is as dumb as us together. I hope to see this on the walls of all my friends just for social media support. I know some will!!! I did it for a stranger, and you can too. You have to copy and paste this one, NO HASHTAGGING... I will leave it in the comments so you can read it twice.

Okay, I’ll admit I actually wrote this with the intention of posting it to my own Facebook (intentional meteor shower, y’all), but I beta tested on the friends I could find on Gchat and received these responses:

"Is this something you want to post to Facebook?"

"I mean, most of it is true."

"Is this a joke or no? I can’t tell."

"Did you write it yourself?"

"It's too highbrow for me."

"What is FOMO? Wait, what is the purpose?" 

Okay then. We’ll abort that mission. Because let’s be real, I would have posted this, and it would have gotten no likes (which means I’m the one who needs likes the most) because everyone would read the first line and think BLAH BLAH BLAH and not appreciate my humor.

But I knew you, my adoring readers, could judge this nonsense with me. And, if you’re one of the fools who posts this stuff – cut it out.