Last week I matched with a girl on Bumble. Actually I think she's the first person I've matched with on Bumble. She seemed cool enough so we agreed to meet soon and exchanged numbers.

By exchanging numbers, we entered the territory where we had to sustain conversation or else face the terminus of this cellular fling. I took advantage of falling asleep extra early and then having busy days, so that we didn't have to text every hour.

On our second day of texting, I had just answered her question about what sort of blog I write ("it's about brunch") when she sent back, "That basketball game" with crying emojis.

Da fuxx?

I don't do sports. I don't follow them, I don't understand them, I don't care about them.

Supremely confused, I screenshot and sent to my friend Justin. "What is she talking about?" I said.

Justin immediately asked, "Did she go to UVA?"

Me: "Yes..."

Justin: "They lost. Big upset. UVA almost made the final four, they were leading by 18 points, and then they lost by four."

Me: "Now I sorta understand. But do I pretend to understand or be honest and say, 'Huh'?"

Justin: "Say, 'What happened?! They couldn't make any shots or stop Syracuse.' Syracuse out scored them 45-21 in second half. It was embarrassing! Don't you have the ESPN app?"

"No, I have Twitter," I replied. "And I don't follow any sports accounts. What if I said," I now proposed, "'That second half, wow. Wasn't watching, but I heard about it'?"

Justin: "That works."

So then I sent that, except I altered the wording: I actually wrote,

"I heard about it! I wasn't watching, but that second half sounded like a whoozie."

I did not notice the red squiggly under "whoozie" before I sent it. Because in case you don't know, "whoozie" isn't a word.

I screenshot the exchange and sent to Justin to show my sport talk skills. For half a second, I was very proud of this improvisation. "Should I add 'sorry for your loss'?" I asked.

Justin: "A WHOOZIE. What is a whoozie??? You mean a doozy! You just ruined it. Who the fork says whoozie?"

Me:

(Is "whoozie" not a real word? *Googles*)

Justin repeats: "What is a whoozie?"

Me: "I think I meant doozy. What do I do?"

Justin: "I gave you options A, B, and C. And you chose D. Now you must live with your choices."

Me: "I was just adlibbing. I thought it made sense."

Justin: "I was in the audience holding your cue cards and you stared right into the light."

Me: "And improvised."

Justin: "I can't stop laughing. But it's funny because their mascot is a Whoo."

Me: "I mean, I said it on purpose. To be funny. I think you know I'm lying."

Justin: "A whoozie. Like, what is a whoozie?"

Me: "I should have just said, 'I have no idea what you're talking about. My Bumble profile says I don't follow sports, so why would you think I even know what basketball game you're talking about? Or care?' That was her warning. I gave her a disclaimer. Instead, 'That second half was a whoozie.' I said it with full ignorance and meant every syllable."

I never heard back from that Bumble. I guess the best way to stop talking to someone is to make up a word for a sport you don't watch. What a whoozie. I mean doozy. Well, maybe it was a bumble. I mean fumble. Well, maybe it was all of those.

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Why I Should Stop Using Dating Apps

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