Our lead singer from my internationally touring band possesses a talent like I have never seen before. She has a sixth sense for where to get the most ridiculous American themed clothing items. For our performance she had blue and white striped shoes; red, white and blue leggings; star socks; a Ben Franklin tank with a stars and stripes bikini top; headwear; sunglasses; a flag scarf; and an American fanny pack.

That leads me to our first translation: Don't say Fanny Pack in the United Kingdom.

The real (fine, American) meaning of fanny is your bum. Apparently in British English, they use our word for bum to mean vagina. So rather than saying you've got a little pouch on your bum to hold your keys, you're telling someone you've got a sack hanging off your fanny. Or something ridiculous like that. Not a good look.

The Brit's mistreatment of our G-rated way of saying bum isn't the only way they pervert the English language.

Take for example the perversion they give to the term "Double Fisting."

I was at a bar and trying to save myself some walking (because I'm a lazy American), so I bought two beers at once. I saw someone else with two beers and nodded at them and said something along the lines of "Double fisting is the way to go, right?" 

Only to be met with the horror of basically accusing them of having a rather dirty sexual fetish. When you say double fisting to a Brit, they think you're talking some real nasty shit. Think about it, as I'm not going to explain it.

In the United Kingdom, if you have two beers in your hand / fist (see, double fisting makes sense), you have to say double parking. You know, because they're holding beers and not driving cars, so double parking makes way more sense. 

On the topic of having one drink in each hand, an American might say that the double fist-er (ewwwww, right Brits) is a lush. But nope, we can't even agree on that general meaning as British English dictates that anything that tastes good is lush. So I probably accidentally told people I tasted good at some point.

Why does everything Americans say abroad get construed as naughty? Maybe Brits are the ones with dirty minds.

Which brings us to the next debacle: pants.

You'd think a word as harmless as pants would be safe from translational issues, but you'd be wrong. Pants to Americans means your pants: the outer wear of your legs. You know, like jeans. But to those linguistically challenged Brits, pants are underwear. So anytime I'm talking about something on my pants, I'm now saying my underwear is wet or something gross like that.

Thanks, Brits, for bastardizing everything I say. I swear, my mind is not as dirty as you guys make us out to be. And yes, I get it, it was your language first, but we've made some improvements to make every day words less naughty. And hey...

At least we can both probably agree that American and British English is years ahead of Australian English, or as Winston Churchill said, "the most brutal maltreatment that has ever been inflicted on the mother-tongue of the great English-speaking nations." Sorry, drunk Australians.