Mistaken For Myself

July 09, 2019 by Cazey Williams in Cazey's Column, Humor, Life In Your 20's

A few weeks ago, I ran into an acquaintance I had not seen in years. We met up at a wine bar a few days after to catch up. Sara soon entered the conversation. Sara and I lived in the same freshman year dorm as did my acquaintance, but my acquaintance couldn’t distinctly remember Sara. I pulled up a photo.

“I think I remember her,” my acquaintance said. “Does she have a brother?”

“She does, but I don’t think you’d know him.” Sara is from Connecticut, her brother never went to college with us, and my acquaintance is from Virginia like me.

Champagne Penance

June 27, 2019 by Cazey Williams in life lessons, Humor, Cazey's Column, Life In Your 20's

Late last year, I attended a friend of a friend’s party. “Attend” is the optimal verb because I was not explicitly invited. Instead, my friend was, and she suggested I drop by. I had met the party’s hosts on several occasions, but I would never expect them to necessarily recognize me on the sidewalk nor would any sort of friendship honestly permit the behavior I’m about to describe.

Before the party, I had been at two other gatherings where I helped myself to some beverages, including 100-proof Captain Morgan. I knew my friend had another friend visiting from out of town who we’ll “Veronica.” I met Veronica earlier in the day, and while I had been told she was attractive and verified this claim via photos, in person she stunned the eye. I detected the faint possibility that she may be receptive to my courting.

The Bathroom Bandit of Thailand

June 19, 2019 by Cazey Williams in Cazey's Column, Humor, life lessons

This past spring, Sara and I traveled to Thailand for fun. On our sixth day, we stayed in Koh Phi Phi, an island in southern Thailand known for its pristine waters, lots of tourists, and Monkey Beach. Sara and I decided we wanted to snorkel while here, so on our last day we set out.

I used the bathroom before we left our hotel, but on our commute to snorkeling, I realized I needed to go again. I didn’t panic because I figured there would be a restroom at the pickup location. Of course, this was Thailand; American customs like public restrooms are not the norm. However, many tourist ventures catered toward typical Anglo-Saxon luxuries, so why wouldn’t there be a toilet?

After we checked in, I asked the tour leader if they had a bathroom. “No bathroom,” she replied.

In a flash, I envisioned the next six hours: a handful of basic strangers isolated on a tiny boat in the Indian Ocean, my pounding intestines and stricken body, sweating and in misery and not enjoying a singular second. I could not get on that boat without using the bathroom again; there was no hesitation in my resolution. I would rather just not go than be threatened by the future I saw.

Defining Love, Relationships, and Exes

June 13, 2019 by Cazey Williams in Cazey's Column, Dating, Life In Your 20's, life lessons

A friend recently asked me how many exes I have. Confidently, I replied, “2.87.”

Of course, I am no King Solomon and did not halve my last “ex.” (We’ll define an ex in a second here.) Or, more likely, quarter her. Instead, exes can be defined on a weighted scale. We may assign a weight of 1 to the person who you probably should’ve and maybe did call your “girlfriend” or “boyfriend.” By that, I mean the person lasted (probably) three months or more and the duration of romance included mutual confessions of affection and possibly some public hand-holding or kissing (maybe more!! Insert winking emoji). Fiancé(e)s are given a score of a 2, and ex-spouses (or partners that lasted over half a decade) are given a 3. Naturally, the scale is sliding and up for debate in philosophical circles.

To accumulate my whopping score of 2.87 exes, I summed the skeletons of some half-dozen flings over the last decade (it’s frightening when I can speak of my life in decades). I have never had a complete ex; that is, an ex-girlfriend whose weight would be 1. My highest assigned value would be given to someone who I do conversationally call my “ex” because she is, in fact, the most significant ex of my past…but ex- what? Her score is a 0.66. We dated, yes, but we didn’t date date. She just meant a lot to me. In fact, she meant 0.66 to me of what a theoretical actual girlfriend would mean to me. (I’m half-joking.)

My Time on "The Southern Bachelorette"

June 06, 2019 by Cazey Williams in Cazey's Column, Life In Your 20's, life lessons, Dating

The reason I started dating “Carmen” was because she wanted to be featured on this blog. For better or for worse, for the last year most of my dating exploits have ended up on here. Several of my friends joke about this, Carmen knew this, and on an unusually warm evening in mid-winter on a Richmond rooftop, Carmen told me, “I want you to write about me. I want my name to be Carmen.”

The first time I heard about Carmen, my friend texted me I had to meet her new friend, I would love her. I didn’t know if she meant platonically or romantically, but I was interested either way. When we finally did meet, I felt immediately attracted, but Carmen was also so not my type. Physically, she was—tall, athletic blonde with Cate Blanchett’s profile. Yet, her resume read in stark contrast to mine: Mississippi transplant, sorority princess, Homes & Garden cover girl fresh out of a two-year engagement with another one right before that, all before the age of 30.

The Stages of Changing Your Profile Picture

May 30, 2019 by Cazey Williams in Cazey's Column, Humor, Life In Your 20's, life lessons

For several days, I had been considering changing my profile picture on Facebook. As most millennials can attest, this decision is not made in a vacuum. I liked my current picture, but I’d had it up since February, so I was fast approaching outdated territory. I’m always afraid I’ll become one of those people who has had the same profile photo since 2015. I need to update my photo so people can stay abreast of my face’s sun damage and any changes to my hairline.

The new photo I had in my mind seemed more seasonal – I donned a tank top and aviators – but it was also a selfie. But not an obvious selfie. I wondered who would know (well, now everyone does). I also wanted to remind *certain people* that I was living my best life, which is admittedly ironic if I am worried about those certain persons getting the message. But this is 2019, and these are the facts.

My Frankenstein Friendship, or Lessons Learned in Platonic Intimacy with My Ex (Besides It Doesn’t Work)

May 23, 2019 by Cazey Williams in Dating, Life In Your 20's, life lessons, Cazey's Column

As I’ve touched on what feels too many times in other blogposts (me, hung up? Impossible!), I went through what a millennial sociologist may define as a relationship many months ago. At the fling’s conclusion (if you use more casual terms, the memories feel more frivolous!), she spoke of wanting to remain friends. I soundly objected. Of course, I caved because who am I to decline friendship? And I still had feelings for her (me, with a heart? Another fallacy!).

Without surprise, this charade failed. We suffered several trials, extinguished by either she or I for various futile reasons that tiptoed around “you can’t be friends with your ex.” This was always my view and what she denied. I am a Taurus. I insisted she learn what I knew.

For a long spell, we did not speak. I count this as my small victory because she instigated it. During the desert, I met someone else, which I suspected was a temporary ploy to distract myself and proved to be. Nevertheless, I embarked on this doomed fling, though this one seemed destined for failure based on much triter terms like compatibility, ambition, and intelligence.

Hello Again Hailey One Too Many Times

May 16, 2019 by Cazey Williams in Dating, Cazey's Column, Life In Your 20's, life lessons

Since the fall, I knew I was moving away from Richmond. I made a conscious decision not to pause my life just because I would be relocating to a new city. That also included continuing to date. I was never convinced I would truly meet someone I wanted to stay in touch with, but I enjoyed meeting new people and making out.

About six weeks before my scheduled departure, I matched with “Hailey.” Hailey was a thoughtless swipe. She appeared cute and well-traveled, but that’s all I processed in the two seconds I spent on her profile. She messaged me first, and we engaged in the expected back and forth about hobbies, likes, and whether we had pets. As I often do, I disengaged after a day or two, but then I became bored and sent my typical apology alongside my number because “I’m much better at texting, believe me, I never check this app.” Hailey texted almost immediately and we recommenced our banter. At some point, I disclosed I was graduating soon, was very busy, and then dropped off the face of the earth again.

FaceTime Fiasco

April 17, 2019 by Cazey Williams in Cazey's Column, Dating, Life In Your 20's

Since FaceTime debuted however many years ago, I have been averse to it. Like any millennial, I hate speaking on the phone. So why would I prefer to showcase my double chin while speaking on the phone? If we need to chat, we can text or email.

When friends attempt to engage me on FaceTime, I ignore and text back, “What do you [possibly] want?” In the rarest of instances where I have been hoodwinked into participating in this torture, I leave my phone face-up while I run around my apartment sorting clothes, washing dishes, and shouting toward the phone. One time I did this in the bathroom and my friend informed me of the mold growing under my medicine cabinet. In what other circumstances would I look under my medicine cabinet?!

The Farces I Live By

March 12, 2019 by Cazey Williams in Cazey's Column, Humor, Life In Your 20's, life lessons

A few summers ago, my friend visited me in Richmond. While we lay on the banks of Belle Isle, we discussed our lives and soon discovered there were multiple things we partook in where we could be pigeonholed as being or doing one thing when we really don’t see ourselves that way at all. For example…well, I actually can’t give you an example because they’re all below.

We began to call these our farces. I’m not sure they’re actual farces in the Webster-Miriam sense of the word, but these are the lies we live. Below is a list of superlatives that could be applied to myself, but that I don’t personally associate with (yet I sorta have to):

You could call me a blogger, but I don’t call myself that.

Yes, I run this blog with Sara. And for what it’s worth, I’ve been writing for ATOB for almost two years. So I know why people call me a blogger – I do manage a blog that I co-own – but I’m not…well, maybe I am…but I’m not a blogger.